Cewsh Reviews – The 242 Raw Review: 8/15/11

And now, the review that feels that the Game of Thrones isn’t as fun as Hungry Hungry Hippos, it’s…

The 242 Raw Review!

Let me start off by saying that there will be SummerSlam spoilers abound in this review. So if you haven’t watched it yet…go watch it! It was awesome! And then come back and read this review! Which is less awesome!

Now, let me run you through my state of emotions at the end of last night’s Pay-Per-View spectacle:

Triple H makes the 3-count, while John Cena’s foot is clearly on the ropes

Kyle is pleased. Obviously this means they’ll continue the feud, with Punk as the champion.

Triple H almost laughs off Cena’s pleas, and seems a little too happy to congratulate CM Punk as champion. Punk is excited but somewhat confused by Trips’ excessive praise.

Kyle is pleased. Obviously they are crowning Punk as the corporate champion, which could either lead to Punk naively accepting this role (i.e. refusing to believe that HHH helped him), or willingly accepting this role (with a heel turn along the way).

Triple H leaves the ring, Punk celebrates, only to be destroyed by WTF KEVIN NASH!?!?

Kyle is pleased. Nash is HHH’s friend, so obviously this means that HHH is sending a message to Punk, and will lead to Punk fighting against the corporation that is trying to make them their flagship superstar.

The KyPhone Rings

Fuck off real world. Like I’m answering that shit.

Alberto Del Rio rushes to the ring with his Money in the Bank briefcase, and a referee. He defeats Punk, and emerges with the title, as HHH looks on with an unconvincingly shocked expression. Also the fans cheer Del Rio for some reason.

Why are the fans cheering Del Rio? Kyle is not pleased. In fact, Kyle is downright pissed off that things ended this way. Obviously, this means that the WWE doesn’t know what the FUCK they are doing. Everything sucks forever.

Three minutes later

Kyle is pleased again. This is actually a pretty awesome scenario. Obviously, Kyle has no idea what the hell is going to happen now. He has some ideas, but overall, he likes that the story took a twist.

Moral of the story? Obviously, despite my fantasy booking genius (which usually results in matches like ZARTAN OVER CHOCOBO LOL) I have no idea what story they’re planning. I’m not totally sure what to expect next. But that’s the fun part.

We enter this Raw with a series of questions. Why the hell was Kevin Nash there? Why did he attack Punk? Is this attack related to Triple H? Did Triple H intentionally screw Cena? Will Beth almost expose Kelly’s vajeje for a second time?

Let’s find out!

Opening Ceremonies

Time to play the…jeez, is it 2003 again?

Triple H once again kicks off the show, and for obvious reasons. We want to know what the fuck happened. So let’s listen in…

Triple H: Alot of people are upset at the way things went down at SummerSlam last night.

Damn right, EVERYONE wanted to see you walk out with the title. And ratings soaring thereafter.

Triple H: That’s understandable. First thing’s first, I want want to apologize. I want to apologize to the WWE universe, I want to apologize more importantly to John Cena…

Just noting that we still don’t know why he was in his locker room. My guess is that it’s a red herring, but who knows.

Triple H: …I made a mistake. No excuses. I watched the footage back from last night, John Cena’s foot was clearly on the bottom rope and I counted him down.

I’m honestly curious as to what the qualifications to be a WWE ref are. Must be able to screw up finishes to keep feuds going? Check. Must get knocked out at the lightest of incidental contact? Check. Must only be audible on camera when counting people out, but only if it’s a count-out finish? Check. Distracted by anyone and anything near the ring? Che…HEY A MOUSE!! Hmm…I might have a future career here.

Triple H: Later tonight I’ll look John Cena in the eye…


Triple H: And I’ll tell him exactly that I’m sorry…

Uh oh….

Triple H: …and then maybe light some candles, and draw a bath with rose petals…

I may have made that line up…

Triple H: …I made a mistake.

I’ll take “things only a husband would ever say for 200”, Alex.

Alex Wright: Yeah!! Remember me!?

I meant Trebek. That’s ok, it wasn’t a funny joke anyway.

Alex Wright: Aw.

Don’t worry.  Alex Wright is, to date, undefeated in action against Triple H.  Making him the King of the King of Kings.

Triple H: CM Punk and John Cena were having one hell of a match last night, it was incredible, and to be quite honest if I hadn’t screwed it up I’m not sure who would’ve won.

Except I’m pretty sure it would’ve been Del Rio.

Triple H: But things happened the way they happened, and I had absolutely no problem in raising the hand of the new, Undisputed WWE Champion CM Punk.

Cheeerrboooo…fuck you, crowd. Punk needs to start getting Austin-like pops soon or I’m going to rampage.

Triple H: As for what happened after the match was over, alot of people are speculating about my involvement in that.

Who would think that? Smarks, all of them. Don’t listen to ‘em Trips.

Triple H: Especially that Kyle 242 guy. Who the fuck does he think he is? Writing what I say verbatim and passing it off as a review? How fucking lazy is that?

Triple H: I would like to assure everybody that I had nothing to do with any of it.

Good, glad that’s clear. Told you, internet! Now let’s totally drop this whole thing forever.

Triple H: Yes, yes I am friends with Kevin Nash and have been for years. He called me, he was in LA, he asked me to leave him a couple of tickets to Summerslam blah blah blah will call blah blah blah last I spoke to him blah blah blah no knowledge blah blah blah WATERSPIT yada yada let’s just say I’m very tired this morning.


Triple H: Now I’ve not spoken to Nash, but I’ve invited him, via text…

He makes sure to say text, to remind people that’s he’s trendy.

Triple H: …to come here tonight and explain himself. He responded that as long as he was allowed to tell the truth Kevin Nash will be here tonight.

Fuck yes! Answers! Diesel-fueled answers!

The esteemed Mr. H goes on to explain that he had no prior knowledge about Alberto del Rio’s Money in the Bank exploits, but he’s fine with it, because that’s how Money in the Bank works (which is true, and which is why many people don’t like it). He says that he gave the world what he promised, a unified WWE champion, and that man is Alberto del Rio.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dunnnnn

And our champion emerges. 

Suck it, Smarks.

 You’d think that the fans wouldn’t be happy to see him (and express that vocally), but no…they react as if they don’t really care. Which is my feeling on the whole thing…while I’m happy they went with the swerve and named ADR champ (if only because it got his ill-fitting briefcase out of the way)…I really wish he was a bit more “over”. Although he was red-hot a few months ago, things change fast, and he hasn’t done much of note as of late. However, maybe reactions will become more interesting on the upcoming tour of Mexico.

Alberto goes on to brag about how great he is, how great it is to be a champion, how he’s fulfilled his destiny, and how it’s going to be fun to beat Rey Mysterio in tonight’s main event. That last statement draws ire from the crowd, as Mysterio is a hometown favorite.

Not a bad little promo from the champ. Although he still doesn’t carry that “championship” aura, not as much as I had expected him to (even as early as tonight). To me, he feels more like a guy that’s just holding a belt. That’s a bad sign…but that can change, depending on how things go over the next few weeks. Also because my opinion on wrestlers is certifiably schizophrenic.

R-Truth vs. John Morrison (Falls Count Anywhere)

Whoa, you hear that? Entrance music for R-Truth? Is this the return of “What’s up?” No…it’s R-Truth sticking his crotch further into the crowd’s face by playing his theme but not rapping along with it. Although it would be pretty funny if the crowd just sang it anyway…I suspect we’ll be at least hearing the “WHAT’S UP!” parts within a few weeks. And if R-Truth is as awesome as I think he is, he should go berserk when he hears that.

Morrison comes out as a Black Mage and casts Slow on himself, and proceeds to the ramp…wait, what’s this? Little window with the dude talking? Old school hell yes!! Morrison gives his pre-recorded scripted promo (y’know, the only kind of promo where he doesn’t remind you that he’s awful at promos), talking about how he’s going to beat Truth for Little Jimmy or something. As long as he’s not beating Little Jimmy, whoa hey! Falls count anywhere, let’s do this!

Both men lock up, push eachother around, exchange a few blows, until Morrison decides he’s going to try his secondary running knee finisher right away and fails miserably. They then proceed to exchange unsuccessful pinfall attempts, until Morrison clotheslines Truth out of the ring. Normally, this is where we go to commercial, but since it’s FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE, Morrison vaults himself and contorts his body (wish Cole would start saying that again), landing on Truth. 

Fuck You Sponsorships.  FUCK YOOOOOOOOOU.

Morrison takes control on the outside, and hits a nice Flying Chuck off the barricade (which, Cole attributes to his parkour style, despite the fact that other non-parkour wrestlers do pretty much the exact same move). Morrison stays on the attack, but Truth reverses a suplex attempt, dropping Morrison on his face (which is unfortunate, considering that’s pretty much the only thing going for him other than flippy-flip offense).

One commercial break later, both men are still outside the ring, and Truth still has momentum. Truth keeps the beatdown going as the fans (who appear to include Mr. Warrior himself) start chanting “Little Jimmy”…to which R-Truth gives us some amusing facial expressions. Eventually, the match spills into the crowd, and King asks us to imagine if we could imagine the superstars right in our lap (I’m pretty sure I’d have to pay extra for that). R-Truth maintains control, eventually throwing Morrison back into the ring area, but a beaten Morrison catches Truth with an enzuigiri-like kick as he climbs over the barricade! Truth fights back by ramming Morrison’s head into the stairs, then wanders off to grab a chair. But not the chair you’re thinking of…one of those comfy office chairs. Cuz, y’know, this is alot of work, I guess he needs a break right? Where’s that water bottle anyway?

Morrison, seeing this moronic scenario, runs at Truth and knocks him down. He then sets up Truth for a suplex, suplexes him into the chair, then nails a comfy-looking R-Truth with the running knee. Morrison then covers and gets the three-count.

Falling Out Of A Chair Is Now A Legit Finisher In WWE.

I really can’t decide if that finish is awesome, ridiculous, or just looked better on paper than it did in real life. But I’m going to work tomorrow and demanding to be suplexed into my office chair every time I sit down from now on. Looks fun.

A decent match, but considering the stipulation and the abilities of both men, it should’ve been better.

Winner: John Morrison via running knee w/ assist to office ergonomics.

His named is Miz…Miz lost weight eating Subway and…sandwiches of…

The Miz comes out in his business suit, and one Cole orgasm later, he takes the mic to cut a promo. He says that he’s been asked to say hello to…Jared of Subway!? Yup…Jared himself is in the audience, and once very silly promo later, Miz convinces us that he’s a better Subway spokesperson by promoting their new sub while Jared oversells the arms outstretched “what’d I do?” look.

Come At Me, Bro.

Seriously. That was the promo. It also loses points for missing the opportunity to have Clay Henry make a run-in.

Also, Jared looks like he’s put on a few pounds. Time to break out the aides.

Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres vs. The Bella Twins

The two worst things going in the WWE right now are the Divas division and the tag-team division. So naturally, combining them raises my expectations to soaring heights.

Kelly and…umm…Bella start things off. Kelly pulls off a few ludicrous moves, then hits…umm..Bella with her stinkface (which is footage that I’m 90% sure showed up on some creepy websites the next day). “I believe it’s Nikki”, angered by the scent of ass, grabs ahold of Kelly’s leg and works with her partner to wear it down (including a downright painful-looking leg hold). 


 Kelly finally reverses this, and tags her partner Eve in. Eve runs with her hot tag momentum (and actually connects with her kicks), but is eventually put into suplex position by…uh…Bella. Unfortunately, Bella went to publically funded suplex school instead of private school, so Eve lands on her feet and finishes the scenario with a neckbreaker. Eve then hits her awkward “looks more like a cheerleader move than a wrestling move” moonsault, and gets the victory.

Winner: Eve via cheerleader bullshit

Suddenly Beth Phoenix’s music plays, and the “Divas of Doom” show up! And…stare at the victorious duo. Literally. That’s all they did. Okay then.

Kevin Nash and CM Punk

Big Daddy Cool!

Although I do think it’s awesome that Nash is back, and this is a great role for him, I can’t help but think that half the audience has no clue who he is. His lengthy introduction re-enforced this notion to me…I feel that it had a dual role of providing not only a feeling of respect, but also carrying a brief history lesson. Truthfully, he hasn’t been a relevant figure for quite some time, and the younger generation either has no memory of him, or perhaps has only faint memories of his nWo days. While it’s true that he was in the Royal Rumble as Diesel (and got a nice response, at that), I’ve always believed that PPV crowds are different than regular TV crowds in that they’re notably “smarkier”. Still, despite all that, I’m happy to see him back, and I’m eager to see if/how/when they use him from here on out.

Nash (who’s always been a solid promo) confirms his friendship with HHH, and proceeds to confirm the first part of HHH’s side of the story (while the idiot crowd “whats” him). However, things start to differ when Nash claims that he received a text from a friend (who is assumed to be HHH, but never explicitly stated) asking him to “stick” the winner (which I can only hope is slang for “beat up” and not something else). Kevin seems surprised that Mr. H claimed to know nothing about this, so he calls him out to get on the same page. But instead…

Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh, duh nuh nuh nuh.

CM Punk’s theme is really growing on me

…a certain straight-edge someone is interested in speaking to Nash instead! And, as always when Punk has his “pipe bomb”, all bets are off.

Punk calls bullshit on the story, and proceeds to belittle HHH and Kevin Nash’s idea of what’s “good for business”. Punk then makes it clear that he’s pissed off at Nash for last night (and not Del Rio, for which we can finally give credit to a WWE face for NOT being hypocritical). Punk and Nash then start throwing around some awesome “reality” insults, getting some nice crowd reactions, and getting my heart beating a little faster, which I love, but might have to get checked out one day. 

Smarmy Dick, or Smarmiest Dick?

Finally, Punk decides it’s time to fight…but is stopped by a wall of security guards. Laughing the situation off, Punk goes off to find the COO instead.

Highly recommended promo. Both men pushed the envelope just enough. It’s not getting boring yet, and probably won’t be for quite awhile.

Kevin Nash backstage

He can’t seem to find Hunter (dammit, the COO never let Cena call him that, FAVORITISM!). 

Now The Hunter Has Become…The Hunted.  HAHAHAHAHA.

But he does find Johnny Ace, which is like a poor man’s…well, extremely poor man’s Hunter. Then they go off to discuss something in Johnny Ace’s office, which I can only assume is a creepy unmarked van parked by a playground.

Alex Riley vs. Jack Swagger

Vickie and Dolph (who in WWE fashion, despite last week’s tension, are not broken up yet) join us on commentary. And let me re-phrase that header…

Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero on commentary

There, that’s more accurate.

Dolph and Vickie make little jabs at eachother throughout the entire match, detracting from it completely, which would normally be annoying, but because it’s Dolph and Vickie they get a free pass. JR does make a couple valiant attempts to turn the commentary focus back to the in-ring action (what an idea!), but eventually all attention just sways back to the angry couple. Someone brings up Vickie’s bad breath (which was a comment by Riley from last week that’s so cringeworthy, I kinda pretended it didn’t happen), causing me to reach for the fast-forward button, when all of a sudden Vickie inexplicably grabs JR’s hat. You read that correctly.

And then a series of nonsensical happenings occur. Vickie approaches the ring, gets the referee’s attention, and puts the hat on the referee (?).

Boy, You Just Don’t See Many Black Cowboys.

Riley starts to argue with the ref (since he had Swagger covered, but to be fair no one watching on TV noticed this either), and while he’s distracted, the crafty Swagger uses this opportunity to perform…a gut-wrench…something.



The debacle ends when Ziggler stomps on JR’s hat (for no explicable reason other than he’s a heel). Cool.

Winner: Jack Swagger via hat-related shenanigans

Vickie Guerrero and Jack Swagger

As entertaining as that headline sounds, it really amounts to Jack Swagger rambling for 3 minutes and finally implying that Vickie should take on himself as a client. And I would like this move…unfortunately, I’m not totally convinced that Vickie’s the heat machine that she once was. Her “EXCUSE ME!” catchphrase has been played out, and while it still gets a reaction, it’s deflated notably during her time with Ziggler. Still, Swagger’s exactly the kind of guy who needs a mouthpiece, so I’m interested to see where this goes, and what it means for Dolph’s future. A Ziggler/Swagger feud could lead to some amazing matches. Hell, I’ll even take them as a tag-team.

Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. McGillotunga

Kofi and Bourne come out to their usual entrance. McGillotunga, on the other hand, come out looking…interesting.

Otunga actually looks okay as a Kanye wannabe…the outfit suits him, and if he had any charisma, it would be a great direction for him to go. McGillicutty on the other hand looks like he’s ripped right out of a Scumbag Steve meme pic.

For the most part this was a standard-back-and-forth WWE tag match (with the heels dominating Evan Bourne in the middle). Kofi finally gets the hot tag (and is actually really good in this role), flying through the air higher than necessary on all of his moves to try and cover up his actually-somewhat-mediocre offense, and finally setting up a Trouble in Paradise to Air Bourne combo on McGillicutty. And the Air Bourne never ceases to look amazingly cool.

For a tag match, though, this wasn’t bad! Both sides used some “tag-team” type maneuvers, beyond the “hey I’ll tag you and hold him while you punch him, then we take turns” thing, which was nice to see (especially from McGillotunga). Also of note was the commentary…King explicitly noted that McGillotunga was bland, and JR noted the lack of competition in the tag division, all of which is 100% true. It’s nice to hear the WWE acknowledge these sorts of things, instead of trying to pass off this mess of a tag division as “exciting” and expecting their announcers to sell it as such.

Unfortunately, it still doesn’t solve the fact that there are exactly two legit tag-teams in the WWE right now (and McGillotunga itself is a bit of a stretch). As much as I don’t mind Kofi & Bourne as a team, that belt had better be on the Usos’ waists before theirs.

Those Belts Are Way Too Promiscuous.

…wait, why am I wasting space on discussing the tag titles? Let’s move on.

Winner: Kingston & Bourne via Air Trouble in Bourne-adise

Alberto del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio

Alberto makes his second entrance of the night. His reaction is lukewarm, but Ricardo Rodriguez really belts his ring entrance, and proceeds to be at least half of the reason why Del Rio is so awesome.

At this point, I should mention that they’ve been playing up Rey Mysterio for the entire night, with video packages of his past victories and highlights that make him look as cool as they can for a masked midget-like dude. Y’know, as if he could actually win the title tonight, or something (and even I’m unsure at this point). Rey emerges to a HUGE ovation, sporting his hometown San Diego Chargers colors as a nice touch.

As you’d expect, the match begins at a fast pace. Early on, Mysterio uses head scissors to throw Del Rio onto the second rope, attempting to go for the 619 early, but Del Rio quickly runs out of the ring to prevent this (while feeling a little overwhelmed at Mysterio’s springiness). After the patented Commercial-Break-Counter, we find Mysterio in a body scissors hold, with Del Rio trying to pull his mask off (which was a fun side plot throughout the match). Mysterio fights his way off and goes on offense, but is now notably slowed down from the holds. As Mysterio gingerly climbs the ropes, Del Rio attempts to capitalize on this fact (and the fact that Mysterio is now fighting with his mask, which I’m not sure was planned, but works pretty well regardless), but after a struggle, Mysterio answers him with a tornado DDT.  Mysterio, now favouring his leg, performs another series of moves and quick pins, but his worn condition eventually slows him down, allowing Del Rio to capitalize with a kick to the side.

Del Rio wisely goes back to the body scissors (and Mystero`s mask). Mysterio, now with a surge of face energy, fights his way out, and manages to side step a running attack by Del Rio, sending him flying out of the ring (which I’m pretty certain is what he was trying to do anyway). Rey, now notably limping in what looks like might be a legit injury, keeps his high-risk offense going, which may be doing more damage to himself than Del Rio at this point. Rey sets up Alberto del Rio for the 619, but is levelled by a clothesline instead. ADR keeps the pressure on Mysterio, but the hobbled Rey keeps fighting back as much as he can. Eventually, ADR consistently wears down Mysterio in the corner, ending the series by hitting his beautiful enzuigiri.


Del Rio, now fully in control despite a failed pin attempt, tries to lock his cross arm bar on Mysterio, but Mysterio counters this into a pin attempt of his own. Del Rio quickly puts an end to this momentum with a drop kick, and sets up Mysterio for the arm bar once again, but Rey fights his way out a second time, and sets Del Rio up for the 619, this time fully connecting! Rey then climbs to the top rope for the coup de grace splash, until King starts proclaiming “NEW CHAMPION!!”, which means…you guessed it, a knees-up counter to the splash. ADR rolls up Mysterio for the pin, and successfully retains his title.

Pretty good match. The crowd really responded to Rey, and Alberto del Rio came across looking good with the clean victory.

Winner: Alberto del Rio via counter and roll-up

Of course, Alberto del Rio goes on a post-match rampage against poor little Rey. But hold on…there’s someone we haven’t seen yet…

John Cena runs in like a man possessed!

…and is evidently pissed off by Alberto’s Money in the Bank bullshit. I mean pissed. He claims that Alberto del Rio disgraced both Punk and Cena by cashing in his briefcase after an epic battle, and goes on to state that he will have to defend that title some day. Some day, like…today…when he beat Rey…clean. Damn Cena, you must really be pissed off if you can’t remember 3 seconds ago. Either that, or his mouse-o-phobia thew him off his game.

Keep That Mouse The Fuck Away From Me. 

But this was awesome, because we haven’t seen Cena pissed off in awhile, and if he can keep the hate on against Del Rio (instead of the “I respect you” shtick he usually does), this should lead to a fun feud. Even if everyone whines that Cena in the title picture is boring (ignoring the fact that he’s chasing a first-time champion, and someone he’s never feuded with before).

The Final Countdown…I mean Word

A good but not great show. We got some of the answers we were looking for (Nash was invited by HHH, and was apparently told by someone to “stick” the champion…heh), but it did raise a few more questions. Who’s telling the truth, HHH or Nash? Or are both of them telling the truth, and someone else (like Stephanie) sent Nash the text? What’s with all these off-screen meetings (Ace & Nash, HHH & Punk, HHH & Cena)? How long until we get a Michelle Bachmann sex tape?

And although it may irk some, I like having questions on the table. As you might be able to tell, I’m a big “storyline” guy. For the first time in years, I really look forward to Raw each week, and already I can’t wait for next week. I’ve got my own half-baked theories on what’s going to happen, but honestly, I find the most enjoyment in just sitting back and letting them tell me the story, instead of making up some convoluted fantasy booking that they can never live up to (CHRIS JERICHO OVER BULBASAUR LOL).

Until next week!

Announce Team Comments

I don’t know if this was my imagination, but JR seemed legitimately pissed a few times during the night at the silly comments against him. After coming back to work with Jerry “how half-assed can I do this before someone notices” Lawler and Michael “I’m so legitimately annoying they had to turn me heel which was fine until I they inexplicably gave me more exposure” Cole, I can’t say I’d blame him.

Promo of the Night

 CM Punk and Kevin Nash

Match of the Night

Alberto del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio

Sign of the Night

The invisible sign that the Warrior imitator was holding. That guy ruled.

(Cewsh Note: Big thanks to the folks at the Something Awful forums, from whom I shamelessly stole several of the gifs.  If you guys want compensation I will gladly pay you everything Kyle made for this review.)

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